Stray Thoughts On The News…

Um…

Every once in awhile, a story comes along and I just don’t have an  idea what to  say. This morning, I woke to an NPR story about a group of kids raping a teenage girl while people watched, joined, cheered — and it went on for two hours while no one called the police.  If any one wanted an image of Sodom and Gomorrah, this would be it.  “But wait”, you say, “this is hetero-sexual!”.  The story of Sodom and Gomorrah is about how bad a culture can get and it offers the option of hetero-sexual gang rape right in the story. Makes you feel like we’ve come a long way as a society, huh?

Versions of what happened yesterday have happened in American life before — Kitty Genovese being stabbed about 30 times in NYC years ago while people refused to help comes to mind.  In any case, there is no explanation of any worth that explains what happened — at least in a philosophical vein.  Even if we can explain in some way why it happened — mob violence, a culture of rape, power dynamics — this just sooo bizarre, so unusual, you have to wonder what stars aligned, what evil demon arrived from another dimension, and what the hell those boys were thinking.  There will be books written about this one because it’s just too weird.

Still, there was a human being at the bottom of that pile of debauchery. She deserves our prayers, some people who care, and excellent therapists, plus physical doctors who know what they’re doing.

I wonder how many of my clients who have been multiply-raped will be traumatized by this.

I’m still in shock myself.

If she were my client, I’d tell her that thanks to her, 50 or 60 other women didn’t get raped statistically — She’s skewing the numbers. I would tell her that it was nice of her to do that, but she needn’t.  I would tell her that Jesus already took on the sins of society, and she didn’t have to. What happened should never happen to anyone, ever. Then I would tell her we would do what we could to never have it happen again. Sadly, therapists know lots of people like this.  For them, though, the trauma takes years.  I don’t think I’ve met anybody/had any clients who have been gang-raped.

WTF?!

How big do you think the jail cell should be to hold all of the people who were involved in this?  How many will be arrested? How many will live with this on their conscience forever, due to their involvement in the situation — or lack of it?  The waves of guilt and shame emminating from that spot will last a long time.

Were there gangs involved? Was it drug related?   Does it matter?

I’m starting to get in touch with my anger.  Does any one of them know much this will mess with that girl’s entire life?

I’m glad it’s not on the TV news.  I’m not sure I want pictures of it anywhere in mind.

Prayers are offered for anyone who has suffered this or something like it at any time in their lives.

Good night.

As much as it’s possible…

Peace,

John

Do-Your-Own-Theology: Human Relationships

Sunday morning’s Hartford Courant has a front-page article on a domestic violence shelter, so I thought I’d share my thoughts on what I tell clients about their relationships — whether I’m seeing them as couples or individuals. As it’s all informed by my faith, I thought I’d put it in this forum.  Some of this stuff I say to clients, some of it I don’t.  If they use Christian metaphors, then all of this is fair game.  If they don’t, it’s how I operate anyway, stated or unstated.

1) Human beings are created by God.  God gives them life, and endows them with a spirit.  They are worthy of time in God’s world, thus, they are worthy of time in mine.

2) Having said that, I may or may not be the best fit for that person. My “buttons” and their issues may not go together.  As my friend Jamie used to say, “Everybody deserves to be loved, just not by me”.  I might want to work  with somebody, but I may drive them nuts, or vice-versa, in which case it’s not working .  Just because I may not like that reality doesn’t make it any less real. In that case, I refer them to someone else.  Love relationships work the same way.  A person may be attracted to someone, a person may — in fact — want things to work.  A person with a drinking problem, for instance, might be a “great guy when he’s sober”, but it doesn’t change the fact that if he’s seldom sober, he’s seldom a great guy. You may want it to be different, but it’s not.  If their problem takes up too much of your time, or too much of your energy, things may simply not work for you and that person. It sucks, but that’s the way it is.  Maybe somebody else would be just the right thing for them.  And, maybe, in fact, things will work out later for the two of you.  We’re not at later. We’re at now.

3) It’s not your place to hurt the life that God gave to someone else. That means, among  other things — no hitting, no killing, no maiming, no physical abuse, no mutilating someone else.  Certainly, within a love relationship, that should be obvious. If it’s not, the love relationship has got some serious problems. And if the other person is not willing to deal with those issues, it may not be a love relationship that you’re in.

This rule also applies to governments, business relationships, armies, and any other place where human beings relate. I personally make a distinction here between aborting the not-yet-here (fetuses) re: this rule, but other people don’t. I get that.  In fact, pretty much all of the women I know who have had abortions have grieved about it in some way.  It still might have been the right decision,  but it’s one of toughest decisions a woman has to make and she has the right to do so.  More on that later.

4) Somebody else’s body is their body. Someone else’s thoughts are their thoughts. Someone else’s feelings are their feelings.  God gave it to them. It’s not my place — or yours — to change it without their consent, provided it’s not hurting you.  I have the right to move your body if you’re pointing a stick in my eye or a gun at my head.  I have the same  right to my body as you do to yours. I have the same right to my thoughts and my feelings, as well. God gave them to me. 

People  have the right to self-defense, not the right to other-offense.  People who don’t get that, don’t have the right to be in a relationship. You or  I may not like somebody’s thoughts, feelings or body, but so what, unless it impinges on somebody else.  If people can’t actually relate, maybe they shouldn’t be in a relationship, or maybe they’re not already.

5) If you’re hurting someone, stop. If they say you’re hurting them, stop. If they’re crying, stop. If you think you’re hurting someone, stop and care enough to ask.  And if they then say, “you’re hurting me”, stop doing whatever it is.

6) Regardless of thoughts and feelings, you are responsible for what you do. You made a mess, you clean it up. Just because you were schizophrenic at the time doesn’t mean the people you killed are any less dead. Just because you had a bad day or felt crappy doesn’t mean people aren’t still hurt by your actions. They are. If you want that to change, you need to fix it.  Oh, and praying to God for forgiveness only straightens out you and God.  You still have to fix the people, places, or things that you hurt.  And until you do that, God might forgive you, but God’s not all that impressed by the request.

6) Love is a good thing. Love is a VERY good thing. But love is a choice.  If it’s not a choice, it’s not love.  If you feel you have to love someone, it generally means that you wouldn’t otherwise. If someone feels they have to love, it generally means  there’s a problem.

All of this being said, life is messy and sometimes things get out of whack.  That doesn’t mean it’s the end of the world.  It just means they’re out of whack.   Maybe they can be fixed, maybe they can’t.  People who want to and deserve to relate will do what they can to fix things.  If they don’t want to, there’s a serious problem. If you can’t remember the last time things did meet the above criteria, as I see it, there’s a serious problem.

I’m running out of steam for now, but it’s a start.  Maybe more later.

Peace,

John

On Blogging Itself…

A strange day — not like what I expected, really — has finally given way to this chance to write what I’d thought about earlier.

I really hate it when the media covers itself (remember Michael Jackson’s video, The Making of the Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” Video or the Press coverage of the press coverage of almost anything?).  Given that, I will understand if you, the reader, don’t want to read this.  I’ll try to avoid the self-congratulatory part of this little essay.

On July 4th of this year, I started blogging. I’d tried it before but a) didn’t know how to set one up and b) couldn’t keep it up because c) I just didn’t enjoy it.  This time, though, something happened.  My friends Cathi and Liz did know what they were doing and gave me help setting it up. I got some response and gosh darn it all, enjoyed it, and found my creativity coming out — a creativity I’d forgotten was there. That is what has made all of the difference.  (Thanks, Cat and Liz!)

Blogs — everyone should get one if it does for them what it has done for me. In the old days, preaching accomplished the same thing: It let me speak for 20 minutes and feel heard once a week. People actually listened.  Now, teaching does it for me in addition to preaching and blogging tops it off.

Virginia Satir, the queen of all family psychology and world change theories says that at the base of it, underneath it all, we all want to be known and loved.  By that, she didn’t mean liked or popular, but more like treasured for being yourself. If one person or two does that for you, your life is doing damn well.  That’s what blogging has done for me.

I have been surrounded for a great portion of life with an incredible list of friends — true friends who know that I’m a bit eccentric at times — “strange”, “unique” or straight-out “weird”, depending on who you ask.  In the busy-ness of my life and the transitory life-style, I just haven’t gotten a chance to see them and shoot the breeze.  In short, I have missed being treasured by the very people that I treasure as well — people who are just so cool I can hardly stand it.  Rob McCarthy gave me this computer. Cathi and Liz gave me advice and support. Val Perrins lets me know that I’m not the only one in the world who thinks like I do. Bob Cunningham gives me a loving run for my money, even when I don’t share his opinions.  Becky from Hall is incredible.  Dawn, Derek, David Ratz, people from South Church in New Britain, people I went to seminary with, people I went to High School with (Joe Roberts is sooo damned interesting and cool!), people I went to college with (Hi, Ron and Margo!), spiritual people, liberal and conservative people — they all check in every once in a while.

The apostle Paul talks about “being surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses” within time and the church.  That is how I feel as I write this blog.  That is how people are supposed to feel when they’re part of a religious community. This is what Christianity (and, I gather, Paganism, Quakerism, and so many others) is supposed to be about at its core. This blog, in other words, helps me to feel blessed — known and loved.

If other people had the chance to feel this way (and they do!) through blogging, then I say bring ‘em on.

But it’s not just that. Blogging, at least as I do it here, allows me to think.  I feel all day. That’s my job.  When I blog, I get to think and hear myself think before I send it into the airwaves or ether or whatever the web is.  When I’m home and watching TV, I see a culture that feels a lot and doesn’t think much at all (i.e. Jerry Springer, the People’s court, game shows — I watch afternoon TV before the kids get home).  I sooo wish we spent more time thinking (Health care, anyone?).  I am also blessed by well-thought out responses to my own thoughts.  I love thinking and writing, and it’s great when people apparently do the same. I look forward to reading and more thinking about what they say — so the cycle goes on.

If Satir is right — and I think she is — then blogging allows me to safely be known.  My friends let me know that I’m loved. All in all, it’s not a bad life. May everybody feel this good.

Peace,

John

Do Your Own Theology — Are you a Christian? 4 Types of Christianity

Today I’d like to address the question ” Just who is a Christian  and how do you know?”. I suspect I have friends that I’d call Christian that others don’t, and I know people  that would consider themselves a Christian that I wouldn’t. This is a big deal in the world today, especially in political and social circles — a kind of “who’s in, who’s out” litmus test — and I am convinced that there are going to be some surprises when Jesus gets to determine who really is in or out.  (Jesus said, according to the Bible, “Many will say Lord, Lord…but I will say I never knew you”. Others will say “when did we see you and help you” and Jesus will “welcome them into the kingdom of heaven”, just in case you think I’m making this up). This is good news for my friends, and bad news for some of my enemies, I think.

So, here’s my first category — the group a girl I dated once surprised me about — “Oh, you mean Jesus? I like him, but I don’t like what people have done with him”.   This group is people who want to act like Jesus said to act — people who try to live out the Beatitudes and the social ideals that Jesus taught.  These people don’t necessarily believe that Jesus was the Son of God, but they think he’s got something right about the way the world should be.  So, this form of Christian is “follower of Jesus” or “someone who acts like Jesus would”.  Most people I know (or want to know) act like this, even if they wouldn’t claim the title.  I’m not sure what to say about that part, but Jesus seems to indicate that he likes them as well, even if they don’t make a big deal about him.

Group 2 are people that are people that believe that Jesus is their “Lord and Savior”. These are people that met Jesus through salvation.  These people are people that think of Jesus as the Christ (the savior). These folks have come to Christ because they realized that something was wrong with them and the only thing that could fix them was One who could forgive them. These people have their life changed and start all over again in the sight of God.  My problem with these people (some of them, anyway) is that they don’t go back and ask for forgiveness from the people they hurt.  12-Step people, by contrast, do the “amends to others” part.  This makes them among the coolest people I know — they’re genuine, humble and non-judgmental and they straighten things out when they can.  This is better than many people in society.

Group 3 are people that concentrate on the Jesus is “Lord” part — that is, pastors and other such folks who follow Christ not because they’re good, or holy, but because he’s their “boss”, because he called them and they followed.  This, according to Frederick Buechner, is what the disciples were like. At least to start, they’re not great people, not above being petty or jealous.  These people try to do what’s right. I distinguish these folks from Group 1 because they’re not so heady and philosophical. They don’t like philosophy in general and like this one best. These folks seem to be more practical, more involved in life, in doing the right thing, rather than being the right thing.  As I  type this, I am aware that many ministers are good people.  They’re nice, polite, know when to hold their tongues and how to talk to the aged woman who can’t hear but wants her tea cups held the right way.  They have morals and they’re obviously “good”.

Still, this is the category I grew up to be in. I do not do those things and am not particularly interested in learning, thus the pastorate doesn’t always “fit” for me, nor I for it.   I have morals, and ethics, but I’m not always polite. Still, I always try to do what I think God asks of me.  I have added, in the past few years, the salvation part (see above) and thus can say “Jesus is my Lord and Savior”, because I don’t want to be connected with the (unfortunately) very public idiots in the faith. If you ask me, I’ll tell you so, without a moment’s hesitation.  But the answer to “what’s wrong with your car, John?” is not “Jesus is my personal Lord and Savior” with a scripture quote attached like some kind of code.

Lastly, there are people who are all of those things. They like what Jesus taught, the follow and they are saved.  These people are deeply spiritual and you can tell when they walk into the room.  In this category, you find people like Gordon Sherman who ran a retreat center in New Hampshire for years; the rev. Todd Farnsworth who just shines when he moves into a new town and attracts people to him; I suspect my own pastor, George, is one of these, but I don’t know his salvation story.  Char Corbett is one of these, it seems to me. Jesse Jackson might be one of these, I suspect, and Martin Luther King is the epitome of this, but they don’t make ‘em like King anymore.  With the exception of, who?, Jimmy Carter, there are no great protestant leaders that everybody knows about and respects in today’s world.  Bono might come in a close second.

So, my point here is this: depending on what you believe there are either more Christians than is first apparent, or less. I like all people that are in category one, some in category 2, all in category 3, and wish there were more in category 4.  But, again, that’s just me.

I’d love to know what you think.

Peace,

John

No Duh! Obvious sexual ethics…

Today the paper reported that Tufts university has officially implemented a policy that says, “If your room-mate is in your room, you shouldn’t ruin their sleep by having sex in the same room”. The Hartford Courant (the paper I’m referring to) asks in its little subtitle, “Common Sense?”. The article goes on to say that they have contacted other schools and no one else has the policy explicitly written, because it should be “obvious” or “common courtesy”. My room-mate in college knew it was common courtesy, but frankly, he didn’t care. His girlfriend did, so they stopped having sex in the upper bunk bed and went to … (wait for it…) her house off campus.

All of this made me wonder what other “common courtesy” ethical rules about sex might be flouted in our society.  My clinical life gave me quite  a few that seemed obvious to me, but not apparently obvious to others, so I thought I’d express them (like it matters).

1) If you created a child, you’re responsible for it. You’re responsible for it for the next at least 18 years. At a minimum, you’re financially responsible for it, guys, but that’s just the minimum. Keeping it safe from cars, bullets, pedophiles, or at least trying to do those things, is the next level up.  Teaching it morals, spending time with it, engaging in parental responsibilities like watching the child play sports or display a talent — that’s the full package.

Ladies and gentlemen, this responsibility thing may also mean making hard choices like  adoption, abortion, separating from a violent significant other, and so on. Being responsible is a pain-in-the-you-know-what but, hey, if you’re old enough to put Tab A in Slot B and you knew what you were doing, you’re old enough to make the tough decisions.  The rights of adults should go with the responsibilities of them, too. And if you need help making those decisions, ask for help from people you trust — another sign of the person mature-enough-to-have-sex.

2) When I worked in Jamaica Plain, MA at a homeless shelter, there was a billboard on my way home that said, “Your girlfriend, your property — they’re different things”.  The fact that this sign had to exist at all astounded me, but there it was, big as life. If you don’t know this already guys, you shouldn’t have a girlfriend.  By the way, gals, your man is not your man either.  If he wants to wear Converse All-Stars to the party, so be it. It’s his body, not yours.  If he wants to get his tongue pierced, oh well. You don’t have to french kiss him with it that way, and he may look ugly as sin, but so what? That’s his right. Oh, and in case it wasn’t obvious before this, the rule applies to gay couples, as well. People don’t stop being individual people once they start being a couple.  People are not property. If your significant other is really significant to you, treat them that way and respect their bodies and brains and personalities as theirs.

3) Back to the kid thing: If you are having a kid, get your sh-t together before they’re born.  I don’t care if you take the nine month crash course in personal growth during pregnancy, but it’s your responsibility to do as little damage to that kid as you can when you’re raising them.  It’s time to be the grown-up now. Too bad if you want to still drink til you puke. Too bad if you still want your parents to take care of you.  And if you’re having mental problems, do something about them other than whine.  I’m OK with whining if it’s the first time you’ve talked about it, or if it’s early in therapy, but once the kid’s there, they need a parent — and you signed on for duty. Nobody expects you to get it totally right, but you’ve got to be at your best — whatever that is.

4) Rape does not mean she loves you. If you have to rape her, you couldn’t get it any other way. If you couldn’t get it any other way, you shouldn’t get it at all. The same thing goes for sleeping with little kids. If you can only have sex with little kids, you shouldn’t be having sex. Real sex is a choice.  If it’s not a choice, it’s not real sex.  Choice is what makes it worth chasing in the first place.

Alright. That’s it for now.  It’s not an extensive list, but it is an obvious one, at least to me.